TOW the Cucumber
by Fielding
Summary: Monica needs some space. Everyone else just wants to talk about sex.


Impatience drove Chandler to speed up his pacing in front of the tiny pizza joint, stretching his neck to look up and down the street

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

Author's note: Takes place season 5, after Thanksgiving but before Rachel is dating Danny. Joey's the only one who knows about Chandler and Monica. Ross is living with Joey and Chandler. And once again, thanks to Jjaks for the great advice.

[SCENE: Wednesday night. Chandler is pacing in front of a pizza restaurant, checking his watch over and over again and craning his neck like he's looking for someone. Monica walks up behind him.]

MONICA: I'm so sorry I'm late.

CHANDLER: [jumps from surprise, turns to face her] Where have you been? I was worried. [they kiss for several seconds; he backs away, takes her hand and smiles] I thought you'd forgotten about our weekly Chanica dinners.

MONICA: I thought we agreed they were Mondler dinners. And no, of course I wouldn't forget. This is our one guaranteed date a week. Rachel cornered me just as I was leaving. She was going on and on about some new girl at work who apparently thinks ponchos are way in this season.

CHANDLER: [opening door to restaurant, walking in with Monica] How'd you get away?

MONICA: I told her I was doing laundry. I said that I ran out of quarters and had to leave a wet load in the washing machine. She knows that drives me crazy. Man, I hate it when that happens.

CHANDLER: [leading Monica to table, pulling out chair for her, sitting] Don't you think she's gonna start getting suspicious about the amount of clothes you wash? Maybe we need another excuse, because I think we're doing way too much laundry.

MONICA: Too much laundry? Is there such a thing?

CHANDLER: [smiling] Well, not if you mean our special kind of laundry.

MONICA: Because, between sheets and towels and everyday clothes and all of my, well, delicates, I could easily do laundry every day of the week.

CHANDLER: [grabs her thigh under table] Maybe even several times a day.

MONICA: I'm not that dirty.

CHANDLER: Or maybe you are.

MONICA: [finally catching on, talking sexy] I guess I'm a little dirty. Like, maybe I've got a stain on my shirt that takes a lot of rubbing to get out. You have to just keep scrubbing and cleansing and rinsing, over and over and over again.

CHANDLER: You're not even thinking about sex, are you?

MONICA: Um, no. [talking sexy again] But if you want to spill pizza sauce on your shirt tonight, it's fine by me.

[SCENE: Same night. Chandler and Monica are back from dinner, standing in the hallway between their apartments and kissing. They hear footsteps and chattering, Monica shoves Chandler away. Rachel and Phoebe appear.]

CHANDLER: Well, hello, ladies. Love to stay and chat, but someone's got an early day tomorrow.

PHOEBE: And who would that be?

CHANDLER: Someone with a more important job than mine. [goes into his apartment]

MONICA: So, you guys are home kinda late.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I wanted some coffee. I haven't been sleeping well lately.

MONICA: So you were drinking coffee? Won't the caffeine make it more difficult to sleep?

PHOEBE: Oh, no, see, caffeine has the opposite effect on me. A shot of espresso? I'm in a coma. So I'll be sleeping at your place tonight. [Monica laughs and nods. The three of them head into her apartment.]

RACHEL: So, what were you and Chandler up to?

MONICA: Up to? We weren't up to anything. Why would you think we were up to something?

RACHEL: [perplexed] What were you talking about in the hallway?

MONICA: Oh, right. Um, I thought Chandler stole one of my bras while we were doing laundry. I'm missing one of my fancy ones, you know, with the red and black lace that makes me look like I've got implants, only really good implants?

RACHEL: You were doing laundry with Chandler again?

MONICA: What do you mean, again? I don't always do my laundry with Chandler. I, um, well, he just happened to already be there when I got there tonight.

RACHEL: You know, you seem to be spending a lot of time with Chandler lately. [Monica makes strange, sputtering sounds. Rachel ignores her.] It just seems like we never hang out without one of the guys around anymore. Like, it's never just us girls. You know what I mean?

PHOEBE: [sitting on couch] Yeah, Rachel's right. You know what we should do? You know what would be fun? We should have like a girls' night out. We can rent some movies and get drunk and talk about boys and sex and stuff.

MONICA: I think that'd be more like a girls' night in, Phoebe.

RACHEL: Whatever. It's a great idea. We can paint our nails and do each other's hair and read all those horrible Cosmos Monica hides in her room.

PHOEBE: You read Cosmo?

MONICA: [glaring at Rachel] No, I, Rachel, what are you talking about?

RACHEL: Um, yeah, OK, so no Cosmo. But c'mon, painting our nails? We can give each other pedicures.

MONICA: Ewww. I don't want to touch anyone's feet. That's just gross.

RACHEL: OK, so no Cosmo and no feet. But we can talk about sex all night, right?

PHOEBE: Yeah, totally, this'll be so much fun. I love girls.

RACHEL: Don't let Joey hear you say that.

MONICA: Do we have to do it tomorrow night?

RACHEL: Oh, come on, Monica. Don't tell me you have plans. It seems like you're never around anymore, and I miss us just hanging out. I miss you. [Rachel gives Monica a pleading look, and Phoebe is on her knees on the couch, peering at her over the top of it with a similar look.]

MONICA: [reluctantly] OK, let's do it tomorrow night.

[SCENE: Monica and Rachel's apartment, Thursday morning. Monica and Chandler are in the kitchen. Chandler's eating cereal, Monica's rinsing dishes.]

CHANDLER: [whining] But we had plans tonight.

MONICA: Plans? Yeah, I was gonna clean your office for you. Man, I'm really disappointed that didn't work out.

CHANDLER: Come on, I had this sweet little nurse's uniform picked out for you.

MONICA: Nurse's uniform? I thought I was supposed to be your little French maid tonight.

CHANDLER: Yeah, you know? I've never really been into the whole French maid thing. Maybe it was catching the pool boy with my dad that one time. [shudders]

MONICA: How would that turn you away from French maids?

CHANDLER: You didn't see what the pool boy was wearing.

MONICA: [shudders with him] Look, I'm really sorry about tonight. But Rachel was really pushing it and I just ran out of excuses.

CHANDLER: No, that's OK, don't worry about it. Actually, I guess it's kinda nice that Rachel misses hanging out with you. And you know, maybe I'll just hang out with Joey and Ross. Have a sort of guys' night in thing.

MONICA: And what exactly do guys do on a guys' night in?

CHANDLER: Well, you know, we rent pornos. [Monica glares at him.] No porn. We would never rent porn. We, um, well, we do, you know, guy things. OK, so fine, we don't do anything at all. What do girls do that's so great anyway?

MONICA: We talk about sex.

CHANDLER: Really?

MONICA: Uh huh. And we're very explicit.

CHANDLER: Wow, that's so cool. [Joey walks in.]

JOEY: [to Monica] Morning. [to Chandler] What's so cool? [sits down at table]

CHANDLER: Girls talk about sex when they hang out.

JOEY: Of course they do. And they don't hold back on the details, either.

MONICA: How do you know so much about women?

JOEY: Well, it's kinda like a science. You study hard, you do a lot of research-

CHANDLER: Basically, he's slept with about 2,000 women.

JOEY: More or less. [Monica laughs and heads back to bedroom.]

CHANDLER: So, Joe, since Monica and I got together, do you miss hanging out with me? Do you feel like we're not spending enough guy time together?

JOEY: What the hell are you talking about? Guy time? We live together. I see plenty of you.

CHANDLER: Well, you know, Rachel misses hanging out with Monica. Don't you miss me at all?

JOEY: Dude, you sound like a girl.

CHANDLER: C'mon, Monica and Rachel and Phoebe are hanging out tomorrow night, doing some sort of girlie thing. Let's do the same thing.

JOEY: You want to do girlie things?

CHANDLER: [exasperated] No. Let's do like guy stuff. You and me and Ross will just hang out and, you know, do all the stuff we used to do.

JOEY: What kind of stuff did we used to do?

CHANDLER: You know, watch TV-

JOEY: Like we did last night after you got home.

CHANDLER: And play foosball-

JOEY: Like we do everyday when you get back from work.

CHANDLER: OK, fine, we don't do anything interesting. But let's hang out tonight anyway. Monica has to stay here, and I don't want to stay home by myself.

JOEY: [reluctantly] All right. [cheering up] Can we rent porn?

CHANDLER: Wow. We really don't have any imagination.

[SCENE: A video rental store that night. Rachel and Phoebe are looking at movies. Monica walks in.]

MONICA: Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

RACHEL: No problem. We already picked out a couple movies. "Dirty Dancing" and "Flashdance".

MONICA: [frowning as she takes the boxes from Rachel] Don't you think that's overdoing it on the cheesy dance movies?

PHOEBE: Yeah, come on, let's get "Deliverance."

RACHEL: Phoebs, I already told you, there's no way I'm watching that movie.

MONICA: I know. That movie totally spoiled Burt Reynolds for me.

RACHEL: Spoiled Burt Reynolds? From what? "Cannonball Run"?

PHOEBE: Oh, another classic, let's get that one. [Rachel and Monica stare at her and shake their heads. Phoebe shrugs, and they all walk up to front counter.]

PHOEBE: [nudging Rachel and nodding toward clerk behind the counter] Hey, he's kinda cute.

RACHEL: Yeah, for a 16-year-old.

PHOEBE: God, don't you love them young? That's what I really miss about not going to high school. The teenage boys. They're so cute.

MONICA: Trust me, teenage boys are far more trouble than they're worth. They can be so cruel.

RACHEL: Yeah, Mon, hon, maybe that's because you were, well, a whale. And trust me, it wasn't just the boys who were cruel.

MONICA: What's that supposed to mean? [Phoebe loudly slaps the videos down on the counter and smiles coyly at the clerk.]

PHOEBE: Hey, you. You're up kinda late on a school night.

CLERK: It's 7:30.

PHOEBE: So, you like to party? [Rachel bursts out laughing.]

RACHEL: Phoebs, where did that come from? [clerk is looking highly embarrassed]

PHOEBE: I thought that was how you picked people up in high school.

MONICA: [to clerk] Oh my God. I'm sorry for my friend. [Hands him video card. Rachel and Phoebe are still giggling.]

CLERK: [runs card, looks up at Monica, very embarrassed] Uh, ma'am? You've got some overdue fees.

MONICA: Really? I don't think so. I always turn my videos in on time.

CLERK: Yeah, um, it's, well, um, [whispering] "Beauty and the Breasts".

PHOEBE/RACHEL: What?

MONICA: [furious] I can't believe Chan-

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: I mean, Joey must've stolen my card and rented a porno!

PHOEBE: No, it couldn't be Joey.

RACHEL: Yeah, we all know he's an ass man.

PHOEBE: No, well, yeah, but I meant, he already owns this one.

MONICA: He does? Well, then maybe it was Ross?

RACHEL: Mon, you know Ross doesn't like pornos named after Disney movies. They creep him out.

MONICA: He's my brother. I try not to keep track of those things.

PHOEBE: So it must've been Chandler.

MONICA: Yeah, it must've been. [angrily] That Chandler! There's no way he's using my card again. [Clerk clears his throat, and the three women look back at him.]

CLERK: Um, so, that'll be $32.57.

RACHEL: Jesus. Just how much did Chandler enjoy that movie?

[SCENE: Chandler and Joey's apartment, same night, roughly same time. Ross and Chandler are slumped in the recliners watching "Behind the Music." They're both wearing sweatpants, rumpled T-shirts and mismatched socks. They both have their hands in their chins and look thoroughly bored and depressed. Joey walks in.]

JOEY: Hey.

ROSS/CHANDLER: [not looking up] Hey.

CHANDLER: Is it just me, or does that one guy look like a monkey?

ROSS: Which one? Marky Mark?

CHANDLER: First of all, it's not Marky Mark, it's his brother, you know, the outlaw Donny Wahlberg, and second, no, the other guy. [points to TV] That one. Doesn't he look just like a monkey?

ROSS: Oh, yeah. And by the way, don't you know a little too much about New Kids on the Block?

CHANDLER: Hey, man, "Hangin' Tough" was a great song. You can't deny it.

JOEY: Uh, yes, he can. So is this how we're spending our guys' night? Watching a boy bands of the '80s marathon?

ROSS: Oooh, you think Wham! is on next? [Picks up TV Guide and starts flipping through it.]

CHANDLER: [ignoring Ross] What'd you have in mind, Joe?

JOEY: Well, I ordered a pizza and Ross got the beer. [opens refrigerator] Hey, Ross, where's the beer?

ROSS: Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I didn't get around to it.

JOEY: Dude, did you even leave the apartment today?

ROSS: [laughing a little] Yes, of course.

CHANDLER: Looking out the window at the hot blonde across the street doesn't count.

ROSS: Then, no.

JOEY: [whining] Man, we don't have any beer.

CHANDLER: [starting to get up] Look, I'll just borrow some from the girls.

JOEY: Don't bother. They put a sign on the door. 'No boys allowed.' And they mean it.

ROSS: How do you know?

JOEY: I knocked, you know, just to find out what was going on, and Phoebe opened the door and kicked me real hard in the shin. [leans down to rub shin] I think she was even wearing cleats.

CHANDLER: OK, so no beer.

ROSS: That's OK, I mean, we don't need to drink to have fun.

CHANDLER: [looking panicked, grabbing wallet from end table, to Joey] Here's a 20. Get us some alcohol. Go now. [Joey leaves]

[SCENE: Monica and Rachel's, close to midnight. There are glasses and snacks spread all over the coffee table. Rachel and Phoebe are working on their third or fourth margarita, very drunk, laughing. They're sitting on the floor around the table. Monica is very not drunk. She's curled up on the armchair, a mostly-full drink in one hand and a frown on her face.]

RACHEL: [in middle of story] So he's lyin' back, all relaxed with his head propped up on a pillow, and I'm really going at it, and then at the last minute I back away, and it actually shoots in his eye!

PHOEBE: No!

RACHEL: Yes! He starts freaking out, he's got his hands over his eye, he's screaming, he runs into the bathroom with his pants around his ankles so he can wash out his eye-

PHOEBE: [hand over her eye, laughing hysterically] Oh, my eye! My eye!

RACHEL: Yes! Exactly! And he's asking me, he's totally serious, he's asking if it's toxic! He totally thinks he's gonna go blind or something!

PHOEBE: From that?

RACHEL: Yeah, like it's poisonous. And I'm like, c'mon, it's from your own body, it can't be bad for you.

MONICA: [not laughing] Urine can be bad for you, and it's from your body.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I guess you'd know. [She and Rachel burst out laughing again.]

MONICA: Come on, it probably hurt. I bet that stings when you get it in the eye.

RACHEL: Look, if we can swallow it, he can take a little bit in the eye.

PHOEBE: [hand over eye again] My eye! My eye! [She and Rachel laugh some more.]

MONICA: [makes frustrated sound] That story is just gross. And there's no way that can happen. The angles are all wrong.

RACHEL: I swear to God, Mon, it's all true.

MONICA: Who was this guy again?

RACHEL: Um, no one you know. Just some guy I dated in college.

PHOEBE: Oh, oh, I've got a good one. Remember Hans? That Chinese guy I fooled around with in the mattress store? Well he had the strangest-

MONICA: Hey, um, sorry to interrupt, I'm sure I want to hear all about Hans's deformed sex organs, but you know, it's getting late, and I'm pretty tired, so-

RACHEL: No, Mon, you're not going to bed already, are you? Come on, this is girls' night in. Don't go to bed now. We haven't even talked about Mr. Micro Penis yet.

MONICA: I'm not talking about Micro Penis. And stop calling him that. It wasn't micro. It was just, well, little.

PHOEBE: [holding up pinkie finger] Like this little?

RACHEL: No, more like this. [picks up a baby carrot from the table, then pops it in her mouth]

PHOEBE: Yeah, that's micro all right.

MONICA: [glares at Rachel, stands up, starts walking to her room] OK, so goodnight.

PHOEBE/RACHEL: 'Night.

PHOEBE: [to Rachel] Really? That little? What do you do when you run into one of those? I mean, do you just act normal? You definitely can't laugh.

RACHEL: Well, I don't know proper micro penis protocol, but Monica just ran away.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I don't think that's what Miss Manners would do.

[Monica slams her bedroom door.]

[SCENE: Monica and Rachel's, Friday night. Everyone is in the living room. There are pizza boxes on the coffee table, dirty plates and glasses everywhere. They're all watching the TV. Joey is crying, blowing his nose, tissue in hand. Monica gets up and carries plates to the kitchen to start washing dishes.]

ROSS: You OK, Joe?

JOEY: [sniffling] Yeah. It always gets me in the end, when you think everything's over, and then he comes back for her, and they dance so good. [starts crying again]

CHANDLER: It's "Dirty Dancing", Joe. If the movie makes you cry, it's only because "Roadhouse" came next for Mr. Swayze. I mean, how depressing is that? "Dirty Dancing" is the highlight of that guy's career.

RACHEL: And Jennifer Grey's.

PHOEBE: No, no, that's not true. She's done, um, [thinking hard] other stuff.

ROSS: Name one thing she's been in other than "Dirty Dancing". [Phoebe thinks hard.]

RACHEL: Face it, Phoebs, her career blows.

ROSS: I think she could actually use a "Roadhouse".

JOEY: Stop it! Just stop it! You're ruining my "Dirty Dancing" mood. [The group keeps going. Chandler gets up to join Monica in the kitchen.]

CHANDLER: [sliding next to Monica at the sink] Hey. [Looks toward the group, sees no one's watching and kisses her cheek.]

MONICA: [grumpy, still washing dishes] Hi.

CHANDLER: You OK?

MONICA: I'm fine. Why do you ask? [scrubs angrily at a plate]

CHANDLER: [watching her scrub] No reason. Bad plate! Bad plate! That'll teach you. [she glares at him] Look, you just seem a little, um, stressed, I guess.

MONICA: [voice rising] Stressed? You think I'm stressed? Why would I be stressed? Just because I'm working nearly 12-hour days all this week, I hate my co-workers, and then I come home and this apartment is a mess, and I have to take care of everyone and all Rachel and Phoebe want to do with my spare time is talk about strange sexual situations? You think that would stress me out?

CHANDLER: Strange sexual situations? [Monica looks murderous.] OK, OK, so you're a little, um, tense. Well, tomorrow we'll-

MONICA: Tomorrow nothing. I have to work. Theresa says she's got syphilis or something, but I know she's lying. She's such a damn faker.

CHANDLER: You think she's lying about having syphilis? Wouldn't she pick something a little less scandalous, like leprosy?

MONICA: Look, it doesn't matter. I have to work tomorrow. And tomorrow night's off too.

CHANDLER: Why can't we go out tomorrow night?

MONICA: Rachel wants to hang out, just the two of us, do stupid girl-talk or something, and when I tried to tell her I had plans, she was like, "You? On a Saturday night?" Like I never go out.

CHANDLER: Well-

MONICA: Don't get started with me, Mr. Crossword-Puzzles-and-"Cops".

CHANDLER: Like you're not in love with hunky Office Troy Winters of the Dallas Police Department. You're usually right there beside me on Saturday nights, babe.

MONICA: That's not the point. Besides, that's at your place. For me, that's out.

CHANDLER: Can we at least hang out on Sunday?

MONICA: I'm shopping with Phoebe and Rachel.

CHANDLER: Sunday night?

MONICA: Yeah, I think I can manage Sunday night.

CHANDLER: [annoyed] Don't do me any favors.

MONICA: Fine, then maybe I'll just-

CHANDLER: No, no, favors are good. I'll take favors. Sunday night it is.

MONICA: Oh, and another thing, next time you have to return a video, especially one of your pornos, make sure you return it sometime this decade, OK?

CHANDLER: What are you talking about?

MONICA: [looks around to make sure no one's nearby, then whispers] "Beauty and the Breasts". You sure took your time returning that one.

CHANDLER: [whispering back at her] One of "my" pornos? Excuse me, but I wasn't the one who insisted we get costumes before we act out the ballroom scene. It took a few days to find crotchless tuxedo pants and an evening gown with the, um, nippular area cut out.

MONICA: [smiling] Man, that was fun, wasn't it?

[SCENE: Monica and Rachel's, late Sunday afternoon. Monica and Rachel walk in, Rachel with about five huge shopping bags, Monica with one tiny bag.]

RACHEL: [struggling with her bags] No, Mon, really, I'm fine, I don't need any help or anything.

MONICA: [sets her bag on kitchen table] Hey, I'm not the one who just had to have every color of camisole on sale at Macy's.

RACHEL: It wasn't every color. [sees Monica's disbelieving stare] But they were so cute and so silky and didn't I look just fabulous in them?

MONICA: Yes, you were fabulous. [Rachel nods in agreement and takes bags to her bedroom. Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey, Mon. Where've you guys been?

MONICA: Hey. Shopping. [Sits at table and sifts through mail.]

JOEY: What'd you get? [Picks up bag on table.] Oh yeah, Victoria's Secretions, baby.

MONICA: Victoria's Secret, Joe.

JOEY: [grinning] That's not what Chandler calls it.

MONICA: What? I swear to God, does it ever stop? And do you even know what secretions means?

JOEY: Sure. It's like, you know, sexy stuff.

MONICA: [rolls eyes] Give me that. [Takes bag away just as Joey is opening it.] So, how was it hanging out with just the guys again last night?

JOEY: Horrible. No offense or anything, but dude, Ross and Chandler are so boring now.

MONICA: What do you mean?

JOEY: Ross is still all depressed about Emily and his apartment and his job. Which, you know, I guess kinda makes sense.

MONICA: Poor Ross. What about Chandler?

JOEY: Well he's all sad about not getting to hang out with you, but of course he can't talk about it in front of Ross, so he just acts all grumpy and mean.

MONICA: Sorry about that. Guess Chandler's kinda my fault.

JOEY: Plus, he always hogs the remote. You know last night he made us watch "Grease" and "My Fair Lady". He sure likes the musicals. You sure he's not gay?

MONICA: [as if reciting rehearsed lines] No, Chandler is not gay. Yes, he gives me the good loving all the time.

JOEY: If you say so. So how was last night with the girls?

MONICA: Oh, about as great as your night.

JOEY: What's wrong?

MONICA: All Rachel and Phoebe can talk about is sex. I mean, last night they were comparing blow job techniques on cucumbers. And I was saving those for a salad.

JOEY: That's a bad night? 

[SCENE: Monday night. Chandler and Monica are walking hand-in-hand down the street, back to their apartment. Chandler is in the middle of telling a joke.]

CHANDLER: So then the guy bunny says, "But honey, that's what bunnies are supposed to do." [Waits for reaction from Monica. Gets none.] You get it? Bunnies have a lot of sex? Mon?

MONICA: [jolts at hearing her name] Huh? What?

CHANDLER: OK, that's the 12th time tonight that you haven't laughed at one of my jokes. What's wrong?

MONICA: You keep count of how often I laugh at your jokes?

CHANDLER: Of course. So what's up?

MONICA: Maybe they weren't very funny?

CHANDLER: Babe, I'm throwing my best stuff at you. Something's wrong.

MONICA: If that's the best you can do, our problems run far deeper than I suspected.

CHANDLER: Our problems? We have problems? [sees that Monica is kidding] Oh, cute. But seriously, Mon. You hardly talked at all during dinner.

MONICA: I'm just tired.

CHANDLER: That's what you said last night after dinner. You think you might be sick? Maybe you shouldn't go to work tomorrow. Maybe I should stay home with you, take care of you, spend the whole day in bed with you-

MONICA: No. No way.

CHANDLER: Excuse me? No way?

MONICA: Look, I'm fine. I'm not sick. I'm just tired and I'm a little cranky and I just need a good night's sleep. In my bed. By myself.

CHANDLER: [stops walking] By yourself? OK, something's going on here, and if you're unhappy or whatever, you need to tell me about it.

MONICA: [sighs] Fine. Just don't take this the wrong way, OK? [Chandler nods] It's just, between Rachel and Phoebe and their girls' night in, and me always cooking for everyone, and work being so crazy, and then you wanting to spend every spare minute together, I feel like I'm just constantly on call or something. Like I'm never alone, I never get any time to myself. I just need, well, Monica time.

CHANDLER: Monica time?

MONICA: Yeah, you know, to just sit back and relax and not have to talk or think or laugh or anything. I just need some space.

CHANDLER: Space. So you need more space. You want me to back off.

MONICA: No, look, see I knew you'd take this the wrong way. Chandler, it's not about you. It's me.

CHANDLER: Yeah, sure, I get it. "It's not you, it's me." You need Monica time. More space.

MONICA: You're not OK with this, are you?

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah, I'm great with this. I'm cool with this. You know, in fact, I could really use some Chandler time. Just me, laughing at my own jokes, thinking about the future, contemplating my life. Sure, I understand.

MONICA: Really? You're really OK?

CHANDLER: Absolutely. [starts walking again] If space is what you need, that's what you get. I'm here to serve.

MONICA: [kisses Chandler on the cheek] Thanks. I think this will be really good for me. Help me get things back in perspective.

CHANDLER: [smiling tightly]Yeah, of course, Monica time. I get it. I mean, where would we all be if Thomas Edison hadn't had Thomas time? In the dark. And if Alexander Graham Bell hadn't had Alex time? Phoneless. And if, if, um, Eli Whitney hadn't had Eli time? No cotton gins. We'd be wearing polyester 24-seven.

MONICA: You sure you're OK with this?

[SCENE: Chandler and Joey's, Tuesday night. Chandler and Ross are in the recliners watching TV. Joey walks in.]

CHANDLER: [under his breath] Damn Monica time.

ROSS: What was that?

CHANDLER: Nothing. Hey, Joe.

JOEY: Hey. [Opens refrigerator and looks around.]

ROSS: Oh man, it's another car commercial. I hate car commercials more than anything. [picks up remote to change channels]

CHANDLER: Yeah, always driving on their curvy roads with their hot babes who don't mind spending all their free time with their boyfriends. They're not complaining about needing space. And they're stuck in fucking cars!

ROSS: Huh? [looks back at TV] Damn it, a collect call commercial.

CHANDLER: Ooooh, those are horrible. Add it to the list.

ROSS: [picking up pen and paper from an end table] What do you think, number 4, after AOL commercials?

CHANDLER: AOL's at number 3? How is that not number 1?

JOEY: What the hell are you guys doing?

ROSS: We're ranking commercials in the order we hate them the most. So far we've got SUV commercials at number 1-

CHANDLER: Ah, yes, now I remember.

ROSS: Car commercials number 2, and then AOL. So, collect calls number 4?

CHANDLER: I think so.

[Joey, without saying a word, goes to his room and comes out a few seconds later, wearing shinguards. He walks toward the front door.]

CHANDLER: Where're you going?

JOEY: I'm hanging out with the girls. You guys are losers, and you know they talk about blow jobs?

CHANDLER: Yeah, and I'm sure they're gonna talk about that with you around.

ROSS: Uh, the shinguards, Joey? What's up with that?

JOEY: Dude, I don't wanna get my ass kicked again. I still have bruises from the last time Phoebe kicked me. [he leaves]

ROSS: We're not that lame are we?

CHANDLER: Yeah we are. Oh, oh, McDonald's commercial. We've got number 5, baby.

[SCENE: Across the hall. Joey is in front of Monica and Rachel's door, which has a sign on it with "Go Away Boys" written in Crayon. Joey knocks once, fast, and then backs up, covering his crotch.]

PHOEBE: [opening the door a crack, so only an inch or two of her face is showing] What do you want?

JOEY: Ross and Chandler are lame so I want to hang out with the girls tonight.

PHOEBE: [whispers unintelligibly behind her] OK. But everything you see or hear in this room stays in this room. You break that contract, we'll kick your ass. Got it, Joey Tribbiani?

JOEY: Got it.

[The door opens and Joey walks in to find Phoebe wearing a frilly prom dress, her hair in a beehive, bright blue eyeshadow up to her brows and frosty pink lipstick on her lips. Rachel's hair is in dozens of tiny braids. Other than that, she's basically got a goth-ish look going, with fishnet stockings, a tight leather dress, thick black eyeliner and mascara and black lipstick. Joey is speechless.]

RACHEL: [eyeing Joey] I don't know about this, Phoebe. Can we trust him?

PHOEBE: Well, it's a little late to start second-guessing now.

RACHEL: True.

JOEY: This is what you guys do when you're alone?

RACHEL: Oh, we do a lot more than this, Joey.

PHOEBE: Uh huh. We'll show you a good time.

RACHEL: But first, you have to play our game.

JOEY: Well, OK then. What do I get to wear?

[SCENE: Chandler and Joey's, Wednesday night. Chandler, Ross and Joey are watching TV. Monica walks in.]

ROSS/JOEY: Hey.

MONICA: [obviously angry, though trying to hold it in] Hello. Chandler, can I talk to you?

CHANDLER: [not looking up] Kinda busy.

MONICA: It's important.

CHANDLER: It can wait.

MONICA: No it can't.

CHANDLER: Yes it can.

MONICA: No, it can't. [Grabs Chandler by the arm, pulls him out of chair, drags him to his bedroom and slams the door.]

ROSS: What was that all about?

JOEY: Uh, Chandler ate all of Monica's Ding Dongs, and, well, she thinks he's hiding them in his room.

ROSS: Man, Monica's back at the Ding Dongs again? I thought she kicked that habit.

[SCENE: Chandler's bedroom.]

MONICA: Where the hell were you tonight?

CHANDLER: [inspecting his fingernails] Tonight? I was here.

MONICA: It's Wednesday night. It's our date night. Did you forget or something?

CHANDLER: I don't know, I guess I just needed some [faking her voice] Chandler time.

MONICA: Ooooh, I knew you were upset about that. Why didn't you just say so?

CHANDLER: I'm not upset. Why would you think I was upset? You know, maybe I need my space too. 

MONICA: You do?

CHANDLER: Sure. You wanted me to back off, so I backed off. And there it is. We're backing off. You get Monica time, I get Chandler time, and everyone's happy. And you know what? This is good for us. Slowing things down. That's what we're all about. Giving each other space. Putting things in perspective.

MONICA: Chandler, I don't think-

CHANDLER: And you know what, I'm still on Chandler time now, so I think I'm gonna go outside, and take a little walk, and do some more me thinking.

MONICA: Me thinking?

CHANDLER: Uh huh. So, I'll see you later.

MONICA: Don't you want to put on some pants?

CHANDLER: [looks down, sees that he's wearing a bathrobe and boxer shorts] Nope. This is my thinking robe, my me-time, Chandler-time robe. All my best work's done in this robe. So, um, I'm heading out. [leaves bedroom]

[Monica sits heavily on Chandler's bed, which creaks under her weight.]

ROSS: [running into room] Monica, put the Ding Dong down!

[SCENE: Central Perk, Thursday morning. Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are on the sofa. Chandler walks in and crosses to the counter before he sees the women. After he spots them, he puts a hand up to his face so they won't see him.]

RACHEL: I am having the worst day so far. We got totally the wrong shipment of underwear in yesterday, so I've spent the last three hours sorting and tagging thousands of thongs for the [making quotes motion with her fingers] larger woman. I kept getting this image of Mrs. Schlumm trying them on. Why do I do that to myself?

MONICA: Mrs. Schlumm? From freshman English? The one with the, well, weight issues?

RACHEL: Uh huh. Remember what we used to call her behind her back?

MONICA: Uh, no.

RACHEL: Oh. Yeah, I guess that would've been mean, given your, um, your own issues. [awkward silence]

PHOEBE: [to Monica] So, when are you gonna hang out with us again?

RACHEL: Yeah, Phoebs and I are loving these girls' nights.

PHOEBE: How come you haven't been around?

MONICA: I don't know. I've been busy. And I don't want to just talk about sex all the time, you know? [Chandler starts to walk back across the room with a coffee to go, trying to sneak out before he's noticed.]

RACHEL: Oh come on, Mon, you used to love to tell that micro penis story. [Chandler stops behind the couch, looks down at his crotch, shakes his head, and crouches down so he can listen to the girls.]

PHOEBE: You never minded the sex talk before. What's going on?

RACHEL: Yeah, what's wrong?

PHOEBE: You can tell us.

RACHEL: That's what we're here for.

MONICA: I just needed some time to myself. Alone.

RACHEL: Sure, that's cool. But there's more going on that that, Mon.

MONICA: [pauses, looks at her friends, finally gives in] Fine. I'm just upset because my boyfriend hates me and I care a lot about him and we've had this big misunderstanding and now I don't know what to do.

RACHEL: You have a boyfriend?

PHOEBE: And you didn't tell us?

RACHEL: Is this another secret boyfriend?

MONICA: [sighs] Yes, it's a secret boyfriend.

RACHEL: Another guy from work? [Monica nods.]

PHOEBE: Wow, you slut. Good for you.

RACHEL: So come on, what's he like? Is he cute? Of course he's cute.

MONICA: Look, can we not talk about this now? I've got to get back to work.

PHOEBE: [sexy] Back to work, or back to play? [Monica glares at her.]

RACHEL: Fine, but we're getting all the details later.

MONICA: All right. [they all stand up] Oh, one more thing. Yesterday morning, when I woke up and Joey was asleep on the couch?

PHOEBE: Oh, right, sorry about that

RACHEL: Yeah, he hung out with us the night before and just crashed there.

MONICA: OK, but that wasn't my question.

RACHEL: Oh. What was your question?

MONICA: Why did he have a perm?

[The women all laugh and fill Monica in as they walk out. Meanwhile, Chandler crawls around the back of the couch and sits where they were. He's smiling.]

[SCENE: Monica and Rachel's, Thursday night. Monica is washing dishes. Joey, Rachel and Phoebe are watching "Flashdance". Chandler walks in.]

CHANDLER: [walking toward Monica] Hey.

MONICA: Hi.

CHANDLER: So, um, you think maybe we could talk outside for a minute?

MONICA: Sure. [Dries off hands, looks at everyone else to make sure they aren't paying attention, and walks outside with Chandler.]

CHANDLER: [as soon as they're in the hall] I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.

MONICA: What? What are you sorry about?

CHANDLER: I just, I was putting all this pressure on you in this relationship, and I feel like I kinda scared you away, and I didn't mean to. I just really care a lot about you, and sometimes I get carried away. But I know you need your space, and I'm really OK with that.

MONICA: Chandler, you didn't scare me, you didn't get carried away.

CHANDLER: Really?

MONICA: Yes. [takes his hands] I was just feeling really overwhelmed and I kind of flipped out, and you're the person I'm closest to, so you're the one I took it out on. I couldn't talk to anyone else about this.

CHANDLER: I'm the one you're closest to?

MONICA: Of course. I tell you everything. You're my best friend.

CHANDLER: So what about needing your space?

MONICA: I still need my space. But that's my responsibility. I think I just forgot to make time for myself. I got so caught up with what everyone else wanted, I wasn't paying attention to what I wanted. I know that sounds selfish, but-

CHANDLER: No, it doesn't sound selfish.

MONICA: Thanks. But really, you don't need to back off, OK? I don't want you to back off. I don't want you to change anything at all.

CHANDLER: OK. I'm perfect. I got it.

MONICA: Well, actually, if you want to talk about perfection, you could-

CHANDLER: How about we make a list later.

MONICA: [excited] All right.

[They kiss passionately for a minute then go back inside. There they find Rachel, Joey and Phoebe sitting at the kitchen table. Joey's in the middle, a huge cucumber stuffed part way in his mouth.]

PHOEBE: C'mon, Joey, you're not relaxing.

RACHEL: Don't force it, just let it slide.

PHOEBE: I think he needs more olive oil. It's sticking.

CHANDLER: [to Monica] Why the hell does everyone always think I'm the gay one? [Joey hears Chandler, looks up and starts choking on the cucumber.]

RACHEL: [patting Joey on the back] Easy there, big fella.

PHOEBE: Remember what we said, breathe through your nose.

JOEY: [spitting out cucumber and grinning, to Chandler] Dude, guest what? I can deep throat myself!

[SCENE: Monica and Rachel's, Friday night. Everyone's sitting around the coffee table eating Chinese.]

JOEY: I just wanted to see what it was like for girls.

RACHEL: Women, Joey, women.

CHANDLER: But a cucumber? Couldn't you have tried something a little smaller? Like a carrot? Asparagus maybe?

JOEY: I wanted it to be realistic.

MONICA: Yeah, and a cucumber is realistic. You wish.

JOEY: I don't have to wish, baby.

PHOEBE: Really? A cucumber? [Joey just smiles seductively.]

RACHEL: No way.

[All of a sudden Ross, who has been opening a packet of soy sauce, yelps as it squirts out of the pack and into his face.]

ROSS: [hands over one eye] Ow! My eye! My eye!

[Everyone but Rachel jolts up and stares at him in shock for a moment, and then all hell breaks loose.]

CHANDLER: Oh my God.

MONICA: Ewww!

JOEY: Dude, that is so disgusting!

PHOEBE: I can't believe it was Ross!

RACHEL: [looking around at everyone] Can none of you keep a secret?

MONICA: [to Rachel] It's my brother! I can't believe you did that to my brother!

PHOEBE: You said it was some college guy!

CHANDLER: Oh my God!

ROSS: [squinting through one eye at everyone] What? What? This hurts! It really stings! Why aren't you helping me? My eye!

The end.


End file.
